Style 43

Cologne is an amazing city. Arriving by train from the airport, you cross the Rhein and the first thing you see is the enormous cathedral watching over the city. Built in (whatever date), the cathedral was a point of reference for allied bombers during WW2, although the cathedral itself remained relatively unscathed. The highly complicated and intricate decorations which adorn the cathedral are present right up to the highest point the attention to detail is simply mind blowing. It was a comfort to see it on our last night, when we were sleeping on the roof of our hostel, snug like bugs in our little individual rugs.

It also has a surprisingly high number of good clothes shops, which is strange as all the inhabitants I came across had gloriously awful euro haircuts and sported the dregs of the clothes industry yet clearly paid through their noses for the privellige. The American Apparel shop was a top find, although when we rode past it one night, this Israeli bmxer who had tagged along with us said ‘’you are all trendy kids wearing girls jeans, I am a better bmxer than you because I wear baggy jeans‘’. I thought Tim Doherty’s response of ‘’well mate, 3 of us are pro so I don’t think that’s true, is it?‘’ was an absolute winner. He managed to firmly establish himself in our bad books due to that comment, the fact that he snaked everyone when we were trying to ride and tried to show off with fruity disgusting lines (though he did do a mean 180 brakeless skid). Another of his crowning moments was just after Alex Kennedy (Bookworm) hopped off the 5 set over Tim when he asked Cam Hardy if he could do the same. The conversation went as follows:

‘’I can do many stunts. Look at me. Let me 360 hop you‘’
Cam: ‘’Nah mate. You can hop on‘’
At which point he ran over to Cam and started cuddling/molesting/assaulting him and made everyone feel uncomfortable and afraid. Maybe you had to be there, but it was too funny at the time.

The grub is pretty expensive, and the primary source of nourishment was ‘chicken’ kebabs which tasted and looked suspiciously like a duck/pigeon hybrid, €1 pizza which was sold by a man with a cartoon voice, MC Sunday’s and everything else Ronald McDonald had on offer and these amazing €2 pots of noodles which would absolutely destroy your stomach the next day. I actually did a fart which lasted between 8 and 10 seconds, as witnessed by much of the party. Beverages are baffling, as beer costs substantially less than water, and a 500ml bottle of Sprite would set you back €2.50 in some places. Being bmxers, we tracked down a corking kiosk that sold good old €1 water which was an absolute life and money saver, rolled into one.

Weather wise, the sun had it’s hat on for the majority of the trip, aside from a brief bit of rain on friday, and a light shower at 430am tuesday morning, which meant 6 of us had to leave the roof of our hostel where Cathy was watching safely over us, expel ourselves from our ruggy comfort and wander down 3 flights of stairs into our 2 bed room. This was less intense than when the chap behind the hostel counter mistook me for Tim, and demanded i pay him a €300 cleaning bill for trashing the previous room everyone had been in. In reality, I wasn’t Tim, the room before which had been a crash pad for about 20 different people over the weekend wasn’t totally trashed, and we never did find out who spilt bb pellets everywhere. We just had to get on our hands and knees and clean that mofo, which we did. Didn’t stop me getting blacklisted from the hostel for throwing things out the window. Least they don’t know about the mirror, eh Dorothy?

Cologne is very bicycle friendly too, with a plethora of bike lanes dotted all over, and probably the friendliest bike shop I’ve ever been to: The People Store. I’m not very good at names or faces, I tend to give long winded vague descriptions of people, invent names and imagine stuff about them, so I won’t embarrass myself by trying to name drop everyone there. But to feel so welcome somewhere, be offered use of any tool you wanted and be treated well is such a treat. You don’t always get it at your mate’s houses, and everyone who has ever worked in a bike shop knows how fussy mechanics are about their workshops, so this was a totally new experience for me! The shop also had a cracking stock of bmx bits and bobs, and played good music to boot. So this is a massive thank you to The People Store for lending me tools, giving me directions, being friendly and letting me pump up me heavily deflated tyres. We need somewhere like that in London! Maybe one day…

Oh, I nearly forgot. There was a bmx competition on called The Masters, which was run by bureaucrats and corporations with no actual interest in bmx whatsoever. I had the best time at NASS; the people were super friendly, security were brilliant, press and riders were treated well and everyone seemed to be having a great time. At The Masters I encountered constant problems with red tape and rude, stand offish employees.

Firstly, I found out that a press pass doesn’t actually give you access to the course itself and doesn’t let you take photos on the course either. Brilliant. I was told ‘’The Masters will supply any photos you need‘’ by a mechanical German lady, which would make for a great article, don’t you think? This by no means stopped me from getting on the course and taking pictures, but one particular security guard with a long curly mullet and a silly goatee really enjoyed making my life harder and was constantly giving me shit. When I asked if I could acquire a ‘Photo Pass’, the magic ticket to not having to accept hand-me-down pictures, I got a nice warm ‘’No‘’.

The comp itself was run to a very tight schedule ‘’you have 23 seconds to finish your run, at which point we will send in ze army remove you by force. Yeah, that’s pure bmx, definitely what riding is all about. I know it is a competition and rain affected the timing, but to adhere to the time limit to the second and start berating anyone who didn’t obey was a horrible way to carry on. The course had plenty of good lines, but only about a few riders really used it to it’s true potential, but originality counted for nothing there. All the judges wanted to see was flips/whips/spins in various combinations, or at least that was all they rewarded. Leon Perkins sent THE best gap at the comp, albeit after Bruza had a crack (my hat’s still off to you for that Bruza, you’re a loose cannon!), and did it perfectly as the photos will show, as well as another dope wallride gap and a huge bag of tricks to boot…and he finished 9th. Jason Phelan did a ridiculous 360 on a step down into a narrow as you like bank off the top of the wallride, a good 7 feet drop, and a perfect 180 bars over the volcano with the hitching post on it, again with a shed load of other top tricks…and he finished 12th! I won’t mention names, but I hate that it’s the same people winning comps for doing the same runs as they did at previous comps. It was like watching NASS runs just on a different coloured course. No attempts at originality whatsoever.

There were good points to it, I’m not just going to whinge. One of the girls in the press office was a total sweetheart and put up with a little hissy fit from me. The flatland area was covered, a decent size and had a good crowd. I think the flatland was actually one of the highlights of the comp for me, because in Europe it seems to gather far more respect - which it fully deserves - than in England or America. Some really good riding did go down on the street course, even if it was unrewarded. There was a clever security system in place where you and your bike were tagged, so you could leave your bike anywhere and it wouldn’t get stolen, which was a real comfort and the ultra militant German security would rigorously check that the bands were corresponding. Mat Hoffman was there. Definitelty the best thing of the whole competition. And he posed for a S43 photo. What a legend.

Other cool stuff happened on the trip too. I met 2 wonderful girls on the plane called Nat and Helen who were ultra nice to me and cheered me up. I saw Banners at Gatwick who gave me a lift from Cologne airport with Robin Fenlon to The Masters which I will never be able to explain how appreciated it was. Everyone was hooking each other up who I was with, and I love that that attitude exists within bmx. It’s not about keeping tally, it’s about helping whoever, however you can, and good things will come back to you. It’s also unbelievable how much people care about image, not in the sense of “I care about how I look“, but that riders will judge other riders for wearing certain items of clothing or running their bikes in a certain way. Who cares? It’s as bad as racism in my opinion. If someone is nice, they’re nice. If they’re an idiot, they’re an idiot. It’s got nothing to do with how baggy their jeans are.

A lot of positive things came out of Cologne, and I actually had more fun after the competition finished. I have no desire whatsoever to return to The Masters, it’s just a way for 2 businesses to exploit something people dedicate their lives to in order to make a bit more money. But I would thoroughly recommend going to Cologne when The Masters are on, just don’t waste money and energy going to a half baked competition, go street riding instead and soak up the city. It is overrun with riders and it’s so good just meeting randoms and riding with ‘em, unity within bmx is the best thing. And at night, everyone gets loose and has a wicked time. I have too many people to thank but everyone in the group photo outside Cathy is a legend and I’m looking forward to seeing you all soon.

Oh, and just so you know, Braun Cruzer razors are absolutely shite, I got one free and it’s a piece of crap. I get a closer shave with a playing card.

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